The End is Near

I couldn't have found a better quote to describe my life as it is. When I initially was diagnosed on March 7, 2012 my entire world as I knew it turned upside down. Looking back, I realized I was on a 4 month adrenaline rush stacked with doctor's appointments, support groups, work, more doctor's appointment and more doctor's appointments. Of course I could have easily locked myself in the bathroom to shut out the world, but you all know that's not my style (unless I was having a serious side effect from Tamoxifen ha!). I decided to let my faith carry me. Despite everything I have been through, nothing but good things have come from the experience. And for this I am filled with gratitude, love, and peace. The relationships most important to me have flourished, and I've moved pass the stale friendships. As a person, I feel I am finally living life and absorbing every little moment. I thank God everyday for not only giving me another chance at life but for my health mentally, physically and emotionally. The reality is, it's all coming to a bitter sweet end and I couldn't have planned it any better way.

I went back to work when the school year began September 4th, and I forgot how much I enjoyed my career. I can't believe October is half over and soon it will be Thanksgiving then Christmas, but I am enjoying each day as it comes. Although I was pretty tired the first couple of weeks getting back into the old routine, I soon overcame the struggle. My stamina and physical strength have exceeded my expectations over the past couple of months, and I couldn't be more satisfied of my progress. I am physically stronger than before surgery, although push-ups are still very tough for me. My stamina and endurance took a little longer, but with persistence and patience it has slowly returned. 

The end of September I decided to run in the Komen Race for The Cure 5K. I had not run that distance since the beginning of May. The days leading up to it I was only able to run 1 mile. It was a little frustrating, however I reset my thinking to "hey I just ran a mile!".  With this, my goal was to run at least the first 1.5 miles of the race without stopping. I am very proud to say I ran the ENTIRE race without stopping once....AND at a good pace too. :) The emotional moment of the day had to be the last 400 meters of the race. I came upon a fellow survivor that stopped running to walk. I decided to run beside her to motivate her to finish strong. We ran the last bit together, and she gave me the biggest hug when we crossed the finish line together and couldn't thank me enough. She had been 6 weeks out from surgery herself and dug deep to finish the way she did. Needless to say I was filled with gratitude, joy, and excitement.

Earlier that same week I accomplished yet another small defeat. If you have been following my blog, then you know about the CrossFit WOD Grace. I am very proud to say I completed the WOD as RXd! It may have been a little slow, but I finished all 30 clean and jerks at 95#. Another empowering moment added to this chapter. :)

As for the medical side of things, I am finally done with the expansion process. With a little patience, gratitude and positive thinking I was able to schedule the surgery when I had hoped. On December 20th, 2 days before my Christmas break, I will have the last part of my reconstruction surgery. The expanders will be taken out (thank goodness because they are as hard as oranges) and the implants will be put in place (Merry Christmas to me!). Very happy I won't be missing a lot of work! We will see how the recovery goes, but I am pretty optimistic it will be speedy.

The end is finally near and what a year 2012 has been, but I would not have changed a thing. I've learned a great deal from this entire experience and have met some pretty badass people a long the way. I am humbled by the continued support and encouragement from all my faithful cheerleaders. I am deeply grateful for all the prayers and positive vibes. I'm even more grateful for my wonderful Fiance! I never knew it possible to love a person more and more as each day passes. He has been at my side from day 1 and continues to be my #1 supporter. I thank God every day for leading me to him. I end my blog today with a few simple, yet important words of wisdom, that have become part of my life mantra....

Peace and Love,

Allyson

Peace, Love and Strength

"Really?! I am not shocked but very surprised. I knew you were in great shape before surgery, so I didn't have doubts you would recover quickly. But to be able to lift THAT much this soon is surprising considering all the muscle fibers that have been cut in your chest muscle. You are one of the very few exceptions. Why do I get the feelings you're pushing yourself too much?" Words per my plastic surgeon from my most recent appointment with him. I think it would be very fitting to insert the following words right about now....

Obviously I've been focused on myself emotionally and physically this past month. I believe I finally conquered the soul purpose and process of meditation, in addition to feeling grateful for everything in my life. As hippy as it sounds, my heart is happy, my mind at peace, and I feel filled with an abundance of love. I love this place happiness! It makes day to day life that much easier, however like any other normal person, I still have my moments where I am overly annoyed or just in a bad mood. I've worked really hard to to recognize these moments and turn my thoughts around the best way I can. Some days are a little more tough than others, but more often then not I don't let it continue to bring me down. Where did all this self-work come from you ask? Well a few sources actually! Of course books, meditation, exercise, time away from technological distractors, and other blogs written by warriors like myself. I would like to share one of the blogs I've been following religiously. Fiercely Happy is sincerely written straight from the heart.

On to the nit-and-gritty of my speedy recovery. My oncologist put me on a different hormone medication called Fareston. While it is way more pricer than Tamoxifen, it is so much more compatible with this young body of mine. No, I don't have any of the emotional cookiness that occurred with Tamoxifen. (YAY!) In fact I don't have any of the side effects I experienced with Tamoxifen, except an occasional hot flash....but even those are not as severe. If my body does well, there is a possibility of me being on it for only 2-3 years as opposed to 5 years. As for my expansions, they were going smoothly until my most recent visit which caused quite a bit of discomfort and a little pain due to overly stretching the muscle and skin. The discomfort and pain resided in less than 24 hours, so it was nothing I could not handle. That is that and there isn't much else to say in regards to my doctor visits.

To answer the question my doctor asked, NO! Despite what many may believe and think, I actually listened to my body. I do, however, get a little frustrated at times during my workout. This is only because I cannot figure out why certain movements are more painful than others. It makes no sense that I can easily perform all the olympic lifts that involve the bar going overhead or using quite a bit of upper body strength, however, it is quite difficult to hang from the bar. Like, really?! Just hanging from the bar?! Obviously I have listened to my body and avoid anything "hanging from the bar" for now until I am more healed. The one thing I've learned from the healing process of my first surgery is, the body has a mind of its own and sometimes there is no logical reasoning behind certain things (words from my surgeon and plastic surgeon that I have carried with me). Which leads into my next point, most patients do not recover full strength for several months to a year post surgery. In fact, the end of July my plastic surgeon told me not to count on regaining my full strength until probably the Spring time. Little did he know who he was talking to. I have recovered almost ALL of my strength and then some since June 21. Patience, persistence and being grateful have been the magic formula for me. The photo bellow was taken earlier this week and it happens to be the exact weight I performed prior to surgery (tooting my own horn right now!).

105# Overhead Squat

In addition to all this progress, I went back to work this past Tuesday. While it was a little difficult to wake up to an alarm the first day, I quickly was back into the swing of things by the second day. I didn't realize how much I enjoyed my job and how fun it is without the whirlwind stress of missing so much work due to all the doctors appointments that accumulated last semester. I guess I can look at it as a blessing in disguise because this whole experience has opened up more than my eyes. I am more grateful now for my health (mentally and physically) than I have ever been.

I leave today's blog with one more image that I'm sure some of you will appreciate while others may cringe. It's officially football season, so what else would you expect from me?! :)

XO,

Allyson

The Recovery Phase: Resilient Warrior

I'm not exactly sure how to begin today's blog except with the fact that Life is GOOD. I know many of my readers expressed their concerns after my previous post, which was some time ago, but you can rest assure knowing I survived the downward spiral (obviously). I was resilient enough to power through a very difficult part of this journey, and I couldn't have done it without such a strong support network sprinkled with some strong self-determination. In the very beginning of this journey, I notoriously said nothing but positivity was going to come out of this entire experience. Despite the valleys along the way, I still stand firm in that belief.

I took advantage of this time of turbulence, turned off technology for one entire day and did a little soul searching. We all get caught up in the daily hustle-and-bustle of what we call "life" outside of work: cell phones, internet, TV, kindle, texting, facebook, movies, pinterest, gossiping, etc. I am very grateful for such luxuries, because each allows me to enjoy mindless activities. But that's all they are, MINDLESS. I spent time with myself, my thoughts, my feelings all the while embracing life's beauty. I went to the bookstore to buy a book instead of uploading it to my kindle. I then decided to sit outside with a cup of tea and my book. There were times I would just sit there, close my eyes to take in the different sounds, smells, and warmth around me. I began to realize how such little things in life are so often taken for granted, then I opened my new book to read the first quote. [ Let me preface that while I am a believer in God and a spiritual person, I do not intend to push my faith or beliefs upon anyone. I am simply stating quotes from various religions and sources that have inspired and aided in my recent soul searching. So, take what you want from it. ]

"Whoever has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him."

~ Gospel of Matthew in the Holy Scriptures

Wow. It's talking about the golden thread of gratitude. If you're grateful, you will be given more, and you will have an abundance. It ties in with my life mantra of everything happens for a reason. After reading on, I soon realized the difference between being grateful and actually feeling grateful. Of course there have been times when saying the words thank you are just routine and being polite, but to actually feel the words from deep within is something that comes with actually believing your words. This book has 26 daily lessons to help you with feeling grateful, so I took it upon myself to give it a try. Each day I have written down 10 things I am grateful for and why. At first it was a little tough to believe my words, but with persistence, I began to feel the gratitude. It's a very invigorating experience to say the least. So during my time of dismay, I wrote down 10 things to be grateful for and really practiced meditating on each one. Soon the tears flowed and my heart was heavy, as I realized I was truly grateful. I am now on day 23 and have noticed a much happier and peaceful place in my heart. My faith and beliefs have now been restored thanks to persistence and self-determination.

"Reflect upon your present blessings of which every man has plenty; not on your past misfortunes of which all men have some."

~ Charles Dickens (1812-1870)

Now, in response to "what the heck happened?" from my last post. As it turns out, I am not a crazy depressed person. Thank goodness! After setting up an appointment with my oncologist, it was in fact side effects from the Tamoxifen. Only 10% premenopausal have severe side effects, and well naturally I would fall in that percentage. Within 24 hours of being off the estrogen blocker, I was back to my old optimistic self. I'm now on a different medication, so we will see how my body reacts to this. I am so thankful to have an oncologist that listens to my concerns and is willing to try other options. Often doctors want you to stick with it despite how it affects your quality of life. Updates on this soon to follow...

CrossFit Battle Wound :)

As for the reconstruction side, things are coming along smoothly. I have about 1 more expansion to go before I will be back to my natural size. August 1st I started back to CrossFit and it has been a very motivating. At this point, I know my mind is resilient but was not too sure about my body. My first 3 days were beyond tough, as I had obviously not run or lifted anything over 5 pounds in 6 weeks. I scaled back my workouts to my ability, however I soon realized the effects of muscle memory. Although I am not at full strength, I am a lot further along than I had initially expected to be at this point in recovery. Heck, I may even be able to do the Rx weight of 95# (I'm already at 60#) for Amazing Grace come October in support of Barbells for Boobs. I know, I know...I won't push myself too much though. ;-) On weeks I have expansion, I do have to take it easy as the origin of my pectoralis muscles are pretty stretched and a little sore which limits some of my range of motion on certain exercises. I am so thankful for not only being physically tough but mentally tough as this plays the most important role during recovery. I am a resilient warrior.

So my life is somewhat getting back to normal, and I am finally able to enjoy what's left of summer. While I have endured such a trying time, I am grateful for the experience as it has made a better person of me in the process. Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the love and continued support. Big virtual HUG to each of you! I leave you all with one last inspiring quote:

"At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each one of us has a cause to think within deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us."

                                  ~ Albert Schweitzer (1875-1965)

                                                        Nobel Peace Prize -Winning Medical Missionary & Philosopher.

XO,
Allyson

The Recovery Phase: A Young Survivor

As much as I would love to have a positive report to give you, I just can't seem to find it in me right now. Let me just start off by saying I have been very fortunate in meeting some really great people through out this journey. Some are complete strangers that have reached out to share their experience with breast cancer. They all have been very helpful, insightful, and supportive as I embark on the next chapter of this journey, being a survivor.

For me, the actual fight was easy. It's life in recovery that is the toughest, and it's not just with healing but everything else that comes with the territory. First things first, the evil "T" word...tamoxifen. I have nothing good to say about this drug. None. I do not like putting anything synthetic in my body, much less one that has crazy side effects. Some of the side effects are: risk of blood clots, stroke, cataracts, bone loss in premenopausal women, mood swings, depression, hot flashes. Sounds like fun, right?! Luckily I am very lucky to to be physically healthy, so I'm not the least bit worried about the blood clots and such. However, I am experiencing the latter part of the list. I was off of it for almost 3 weeks until the oncologist told me start taking it again. I miss those 3 weeks post-surgery when I did not have to take it, as I have been an emotion wreck since being back on this hormone. I had been on it a week before surgery and experienced the same side effects, only it seems like they've gotten worse. When these moments occur, I toy with idea of just not taking it anymore. I don't feel like myself, and I don't like that feeling. I'm not one to lay the blame on stuff like this, but there just is no logical reasoning behind all this except for the hormone. I hate it. My mood swings and hot flashes are unpredictable. I don't sleep well at night, and I've been very forgetful. I. Am. Not. Myself.

Then there are the medical bills. I am very fortunate to have good health insurance, however, I still have co-payments....and they add up very quickly. There just seems like there isn't any end in sight. Again, I count my blessings as I am very grateful for not having to go through chemotherapy or radiation, as I can't even imagine the bills that come with that.

Even though I have been walking and increasing my daily activity slowly, it's not close to where I was before surgery. I'm use to being a very active individual. I miss my kids at work, I miss working out, I miss being normal. All these things make me happy. I feel like I've lost a little bit of my faith in the past 2 weeks. I had been told there is more to the journey than just the fight, but I had the slightest idea at the time. Maybe it was because I was choosing not to see what lie ahead of me, or maybe I thought I was strong enough to endure it. I honestly could not tell you now.

Yesterday, July 21, 2012 marked my 1 month anniversary of being a survivor. And what a recovery it has been.

That's all the energy I have for today. Just thought I would share a different aspect to this journey.

~Allyson

P.S. I appreciate the continued support of my avid followers. If you feel inclined to leave a comment, please do so...just make sure you sign off with your name. :)

Expansion Time

What an uplifting week it has been...literally and figuratively. I enjoyed my weekend, had a good doctor's appointment Monday, and reached a milestone Tuesday and today.

Rock'n it

My range of motion in my arms are getting better with each day. I now have about 90% back in my left arm and about 75% in my right arm. I feel comfortable enough to drive short distances, however turning the steering wheel a certain way is still a little difficult. I ventured out to the movies Friday, rested Saturday, and enjoyed the beach on Sunday. Sun and sand was definitely well needed (even if it was for only an hour), although I was quite exhausted walking back to the car from the beach as it was all uphill. I actually had to stop a couple times to regain myself. The combination of driving and going to the beach was a bit much for the body. Needless to say, I crashed pretty hard once I got home.

Monday I had another follow up with the doctor and everything checked out well! I am about 99% healed superficially, but still have fluid built up around the expanders. I guess they took my second set of drains out a day or two too early. They were able to aspirate most of the fluid from my right side, but not so much from my left side. This did not stop them from expanding me though, which I was quite excited. So, yes, I had my first expansion of 75cc. And, NO, I did not need any muscle relaxers or pain killers as the the tightness feeling was minimal. :) Because they were not able to aspirate much fluid from my left side, I have to go back in on Monday for another check-up. I think they should reserve a room just for me, since I have been there every week since May 14.

I've had a few inquiries curious about the expanders and the process. Rather than me trying to paint a perfect picture, here are a couple images of how the expanders are inserted.

The surgery is performed to expand the muscle so that there is enough breast pocket volume available to create a shapely and proportioned breast. So the expander is empty when first implanted in the muscle. I will go in every 2 weeks now to get injections of saline until I am comfortable with the size. The expander has a metal port where the doctor inserts the needle for the injections. I don't have a great photo of it, but this one will do in order to give you an idea. Because I they have metal on them, I have an identification card stating I have these implanted should I travel by plane anytime soon. Fun times. HA!

You will not defeat me!

Let's see, oh yes, yesterday I finally was able to walk up our 3 flights of stairs (twice) without getting winded! I am super excited about this as my stamina is getting better. My next goal is to walk uphill without getting winded, WHICH I know I will meet in no time. Today I walked 1 mile with the last half mile being up hill, and I was not as winded as I had expected to be. I was definitely pumped when I finished! I can't wait to get back into the CrossFit mix! Baby steps though, gotta walk before I can run.




Lastly, I want to briefly mention a great project my brother put together in order to raise funds for breast cancer research. He is a photographer and put together this calendar featuring classic cars...and girls. ;) The calendar goes through March 2013, so you still have time if you are in need of a calendar and want to support breast cancer research. Here is a sneak peak of Ms. September.

That is all the time I have for today. I hope you all have a wonderful week and even better weekend! Off to nap after that amazing walk....

XO,

Allyson

Conquering Patience While Defeating Breast Cancer

Oh JOY, I am now back on Tamoxifen. YAY! (sarcasm) I really should count my blessings, since my oncologist told me yesterday I do not need any rounds of radiation. I am declared CANCER FREE (insert happy dance here)!! Of course, I kinda already knew this from my first post-op appointment but needed to hear it from the horses mouth. I owe much thanks and gratitude to my team of surgeons for being Super Heros and clearing the margins on both tumors. So, now what?...

Well I had an appointment with both my surgeon and oncologist yesterday. First of all, I don't see any point in waiting for over an hour to see the doctor for only 5 minutes. Really? I just waited for over an hour and the only important information you have for me is "Start your Tamoxifen again, then I will see you in 3 months." I mean, couldn't it have been easier to just call me with this information?! My oncologist appointments have been this way pretty much every time I have gone. Don't get me wrong, I highly respect and trust my oncologist, but I'm sure he has patients needing more of his time than myself. I am an easy case, but I guess he just wants to be face to face with his patients. That's always a good thing!

Strength

My appointment with my surgeon also went well. The superficial layers of skin are almost healed completely, however, I still have a little fluid built up around the two surgery sites. The doc didn't seem too concerned, but she suggested I still limit movements and rest to prevent more build-up. I'm not exactly sure how much more rest I can do when all I do is rest...with limited activity. HA! Last thing I want to do is have any set-backs, so I am actually listening to my doctors. Anyhow, I did not have my first round of injections of saline yesterday. She wants to see if my body will absorb the little amount of fluid by Monday (crossing fingers!).

Kona

In the meantime, I am continuing my stretches....slowly. For some reason I have more range of motion in my left arm than I do my right arm. I try to wrap my brain around it, but there is no logical reasoning behind it. The body does what it wants it to do...obviously. I'm proud of myself for being patient and not pushing my body. Go Me! Each week I have done a little more activity to ease my body back into a routine. This week I started taking Kona outside a couple times a day. We live on the 3rd floor of an apartment building, so I am literally out of breath by the time I come back up to the apartment. Baby steps.

**Side note: I'm normally an impatient person (despite the fact I work with children with Autism), but I feel this journey has taught me patience in more ways than one. I've always had patience with the kiddos I work with, but not so much with myself. I can honestly say for once in my life, I have had the upmost patience with myself and "life" over the past 4 months. There are some things that are just out your control. You have to trust and have confidence God knows what he is doing. From the day I was diagnosed and still to this moment, I strongly have believed nothing but positiveness was going to come out of this journey. So far, I have been right.**

I wanted to take a brief moment to mention a great cause that share 2 of my passions: CrossFit and Breast Cancer. Barbells For Boobs is a 501(c)3 non-profit breast cancer organization whose mission is to provide funding through the MAMMOGRAMS IN ACTION ® GRANT PROGRAM for qualified low-income and uninsured women and men who need screening and/or diagnostic procedures in the prevention of breast cancer. This is a wonderful organization that supports a great cause, so please check out the link. My goal is to re-train my body to prepare it for the Amazing Grace Fundraiser come October. The Amazing Grace WOD consists of 30 clean and jerks at 95# (Rx weight) for time. Not sure if I will be able to do that amount of weight by October, but I hope to at least get the movement by then. So be sure to stay tuned. :)


And that's all the time and energy I have for today's blog. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! :)


XO,
Allyson

Life's Lessons: The Recovery Phase

Yep, procrastination has gotten the better of me and my mind elsewhere, thus why I haven't updated my blog in about a week. I am realizing the toughest part of this journey is the recovery phase. I am not talking about just the healing process, but everything else that comes along with the territory of recovering.

I had my second "post-op" appointment Thursday, July 5th and was ecstatic the doctor took out my last two drains! I feel somewhat normal now, although the sites where my drains were inserted are a little sore. I can actually lay on my side now and save my poor back from the stiffness of laying on it all the time. So far, there have been no detours in the healing process so my chest is coming along nicely. Both sides seem to be getting adequate amount of blood supply now. If my plastic surgeon sees fit, I may be getting my first injections of saline this Wednesday. *crossing fingers* I am still limited in movement and am only suppose to lift things weighing 5 pounds or less. I have done a good job at listening to my body and not over-stretching myself. I was told I should be able to start running again & easing back into CrossFit come August. THANK GOODNESS!

From my Family

My mom has been an angel in disguise during my initial recovery, although she flew back to Texas a week ago. Of course I miss our time together, but her help is what I've missed the most. Being thousands of miles away from family has made this journey tough, but I know God has a plan and this is where I am suppose to be. I mean, it will only make me that much stronger.

I feel so blessed to have so many caring people in my life willing to aid in my recovery. While I am not one to ask for help, I do understand and have accepted the fact I need assistance during this time. There have been some frustrating moments during this recovery process (as I mentioned in my last blog). It is very difficult for a person on the outside to understand the needs of person recovering from a bi-lateral mastectomy. I wouldn't expect anyone to fully understand, but I would expect to be listened to and my needs heard.

Love

I took some friendly advice from a response to my last blog (Thanks Mina!). I have made it clear my exact needs to my better half, and I am just at a standpoint right now. Those of you who really know me, know I am not a needy person. There are things I am comfortable with and things I am not comfortable with, and I have made sure to express these things quite clearly. I feel I am being realistic, although I am told I'm not. Sometimes when you have too many people willing to help, it is easy to pawn the responsibility off on someone else. I understand this time may be difficult for him too, but this is the only way a couple grows together. We are  suppose to be each other's responsibility & priority, not that of other people. This path was chosen for me, and the situation is what it is. I feel circumstances like this is a crutial test to any relationship. It is a good opportunity to learn more about ourselves and each other. I have faith we will get through this, but it has been a very tough learning experience thus far. On a more positive note, Trevor has learned the ways of a female's hair. Yes, he has brushed and fixed my hair...and actually did a very good job at it. The more challenging part was washing my hair. I was not able to take a shower for almost 2 weeks, only "bird-baths" to avoid infection in the drains. Looking back, I'm not exactly sure how we managed such a task but we did. Although it took 40 minutes, he did an amazing job! I think this little act of love made me fall-in love with him even more. :)

Words of Wisdom

This is just one other "thing" a breast cancer survivor deals with on this journey. It's not just about the cancer, our bodies, and doctors, but the things we go through with our loved ones and the little things in Life many people take for granted. Aside from this little bump in the road, I am beyond grateful for the people who have taken time out of their daily schedule to help me with either walking Kona, bringing me food, taking me to the movies, shooting me a quick text checking in on me, or just stopping by to say "hi". You guys are awesome and am glad to call you my friend.


I leave you all with a "card" that was mailed to me by my cousin and his family. He lives in Iowa with his wife and 3 precious little girls. It warms my heart when a child makes a "piece of art" on my behalf. I also received a very pretty butterfly bracelet! :) Hugs to all 5 of you!


XO,
Allyson